FIC: For Educational Purposes Only #2: Electric Boogaloo

[keelywolfe]

Title:For Educational Purposes Only #2: Electric Boogaloo
Author: Keelywolfe
Fandom: Transformers: Bayverse
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s): mentioned Optimus/Ratchet, hinted Sam/Bee/Mikaela
Warning: sticky

Notes: I'm sick at home with the flu. That's the only excuse I have for this. Please accept my apologies in advance. I recommend not drinking while reading. Spare your keyboards.



~~*~~

A full body exam was always pretty unnerving, no matter who the doctor was. Sitting there all cold in the little ass-baring gowns with nothing on but your socks? Major suckage. So how it was somehow worse to be laying fully clothed while a giant robot irradiated her with scans was something of a mystery. After ten minutes of silence and a freaking rainbow of light waves aimed her way, Mikaela had pretty much had enough.

Maybe it was time to speed Ratchet up a bit, unless his plan was for her to glow in the dark during the demonstration. "So explain to me why I need to get the exam before the show? I thought you wanted scans during the sex. You know, for your weird porn science experiment."

Ratchet didn't even look up, although he did take a second to frown at whatever results his data pad was giving him. "If I don't have scans while you're in a relaxed state, then I won't have anything to compare my data to. And it's not weird."

Mikaela wondered if trying not to laugh would screw up Ratchet's scans worse than just giggling outright. Normally, she wouldn't care but it would be just her luck if he demanded to run the damned things again. "I notice that you don't say it isn't porn."

"The laws on that vary by country, state, and county," Ratchet said, almost absently. "I'm not entirely sure what the laws are in regards to this on our compound but I think it's better not to ask. Captain Lennox is a busy man."

"Yeah. Easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission." Not to mention that the very thought of trying to explain this one to Captain Lennox was pretty high on her list of 'things I never want to have to do.'

"Mmm," Ratchet agreed absently. "Human phrases are remarkably appropriate."

Another scan, this one some kind of aqua-blue that tingled; it was like she was getting irradiated with a laser form of peppermint. "I hope you aren't giving me any tumors or anything with this."

That got her an actual glare. Hey, progress. "Of course not," Ratchet groused. "Tumors take time to form. I couldn't be causing anything worse than minor cell mutation."

Mikaela blinked at that. "Uhhh--"

For the first time since she'd gotten there, Ratchet stopped what he was doing and gave her a full-on look. "I'm kidding! Do you honestly think I would endanger your health?"

He sounded almost hurt and, okay, she didn't really think Ratchet would hurt her.

Much.

"Of course not," Mikaela said, almost reluctantly. Ratchet grumbled and picked up his data pad again and Mikaela felt absurdly guilty for not trusting him. Seriously, Ratchet was borderline evil, so how was it he could give her that wounded look and make her feel bad when he was the one doing a light show over her DNA?

"You're done," Ratchet said finally. "I did Sam's scans earlier today. You do realize that you'll have to do your demonstration in the next twenty-four hours or I'll have to do the base readings again."

"I think Sam and I can manage to give you ten minutes of squishing noises in the name of science," Mikaela said, rolling her eyes. She sat up and gave Ratchet a considering look. It'd been three days since Ratchet and Optimus's so-called interfacing session, and now she and Ratchet were alone in the infirmary. Oh, the decisions a gal had to make when her future sex life was on the line. "Speaking of demonstrations, when do I get mine?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"My real demonstration?" she prodded gleefully, "On mech interfacing? Since the last one was a little incomplete."

"I'm afraid I don't understand." How Ratchet of all mechs had perfected that look of owl-opticed innocence, Mikaela didn't know. Frankly, the time-space continuum should have been torn to shreds just by Ratchet attempting to look innocent, much less achieving it.

Ratchet wanted better negotiations? Time for a little physical proof. Mikaela pulled out her cell phone and held it up, incriminating photo prominently displayed. She watched triumphantly as Ratchet's optics spiraled wide, taking in the tiny screen. "Ooh, looky here, what do I have? Is it a picture of Optimus doing a pelvic tango all over Ratchet, I do believe it is!"

Shock, disbelief, anger, who knew what emotions were flashing through him but she knew the second he turned away, his shoulders quivering, that he was trying not to laugh. Huh…that didn't seem promising. When he turned back, though, his expression was perfectly serious, bare of even a hint of amusement.

"I see. And exactly what are you planning on doing with your lovely photos and, by the way, when you have a chance, send me a copy, would you?"

Oh, for God's sake, couldn't he take anything seriously? "After I'm done blackmailing you."

Ratchet nodded. "Ah, good. I prefer my extortion to be direct. What do you want, then?"

"I want the real details, all of them, or I show this to Bumblebee and Sam."

Ratchet slouched back against one of the medical berths, crossing his arms over his chest. "What makes you think I care?"

Okay, and that was a valid point, but Mikaela had learned from her past mistakes. She gave him her own look of wide-eyed innocence. "Oh, you know how Sam and Bee are. They both have such a high opinion of Optimus. Everyone does. I would hate to see anything affect that. Like, say, finding this picture posted on the main bulletin board. I mean, I'm sure everyone would understand, an Autobot has needs-"

Ratchet held up a hand to stop her, his lips twitching, "Well done, child. I can tell we've been spending entirely too much time together. Your negotiations are getting better. Deal."

Oh, hell yes. "All right, so fess up. What was going on with this?"

"In that picture?" Ratchet considered, "I believe Optimus was trying to fuck me through the floor," he grimaced, pressing one hand against the small of his back. "I certainly have the dents to prove it. Good thing I like it a little rough."

Ookay, there was information on mech interfacing and then there was just waaaay too much information. Ignoring the heat pouring off her face, yeesh, she felt like her hair was about to ignite, Mikaela scowled at him. "Ha ha, seriously, Doctor, how do you guys get it on?"

Ratchet heaved a very put-upon sigh. "I can see you aren't going to make this easy. Let me lock the door this time and save any dubious honor I have remaining."

Probably a good idea. Mikaela watched as Ratchet pressed a few keys on the pad next to the door, a solid thunk signaling it was locked tight. At Ratchet's gesture, she scrambled down from the table and he sat on the floor, leaning against a wall, and spread his legs wide.

She was seriously going to see this. Ratchet was actually going to show her and embarrassment warred with eager curiosity as she stepped between his legs, creeping closer to peer at the panel she could see at his crotch-level.

"So Optimus has a robo-cock and you have the robo-vag. Does that make you like…a girl?"

Ratchet rolled his optics hard enough that she almost expected to hear gears grinding. "Oh, please. Stop thinking about it before you hurt yourself. Just let me explain, would you, and save the questions until they'll be useful."

With a soft whirring sound, the panel whisked aside and revealed two…ports? Something like that? Ratchet tapped them with one large finger. "While there may be minor differences in size or circumference, all Autobots have the same equipment. Observe."

And she did, holy shit, Ratchet just opened up and out jutted a metal cock right around the size of her arm. It was quite possible that if her eyes got any wider, they would fall out onto the floor and then she'd have to hear Ratchet bitch about putting them back in. "Wow, uh, that's quite a robo-cock you have there."

Ratchet made a face. "Could we please use the common term spike? Every time you say robo-cock, my processors make an association to Robocop and then I start thinking about Prowl. It's very disconcerting."

It looked weirdly human, only instead of skin it was covered in shiny, overlapping silver plates. Each one was etched with some sort of swirly design; whatever it was, she knew it wasn't language or at least not any form of Cybertronian she'd been shown so far. Kind of Celtic-looking, like something you'd see on a cheap ring at a mall gift shop. Only, you know, on a giant metal wang.

This was seriously weeeeeird.

Thin as the little interlocking plates looked to be, she couldn't help but wonder. "Don't those…er...catch on stuff when you…you know." She poked one finger in and out of her other cupped hand. Seemed like it was a universal signal of 'banging the hell out of someone' because Ratchet shook his head.

"No, they are quite smooth and everything is well lubricated." Mikaela gave a mental sigh of relief; just the thought of her lady bits getting caught up like that made her want to cross her legs from now until eternity. She'd just about figured she'd seen enough when Ratchet decided to up the ante from 'mildly embarrassing' to 'horrifyingly wrong' by adding, "Here, you can touch—" He reached for her and Mikaela scrambled back so quickly that she fell back on her ass, sprawled out on the tile floor with her wide eyes still locked between Ratchet's legs, as if it was going to jump off and chase after her like some kind of perverse weenie dog.

Ratchet snickered. "Who's shy now?"

Okay, that was a taunt she couldn't let pass. Defiantly, Mikaela stood up, dusted off her rear end and marched up between his legs to…yeah. She wilted, hands hovering uncertainly over Ratchet's…spike? Great name. Sounded like code for a serial killer.

One large finger touched her hand, encouragingly and she gave in, wincing a little at the feel of warm, living metal grazing her palm. "It's all right, I turned off the sensory input, and I won't feel a thing. Just touch right…Ohhh, baby, right there!"

Mikaela yanked her hand back as though the spike had sprouted fangs and gone for her fingers.

Ratchet was laughing outright now, like the huge robotic jerk that he was, oblivious to Mikaela's death glare. "I was only teasing, Mikaela, I promise, I can't feel it."

Well, you only live once. Tentatively, she ran one hand down the smooth plates. It felt silky, almost soft, if metal could be soft. And fucking huge, she could barely circle it with both hands. "So if someone did this with your sensors on, they could give you a handjob?"

"Oh, yes," Ratchet nodded, relaxing back against the wall. "Normally, lubricant would be extruding from underneath the plating but I didn't think you wanted a handful of my bodily fluids."

"Not particularly, thanks." Now that she was sure that Ratchet's robo-cock was playing nice, it was kind of interesting to check it out up close. Bumblebee has one of these, she couldn’t help but think, and squashed the thought quickly. The last thing she needed was to get turned on by all this; Ratchet was better than a bloodhound when it came to sniffing things out and there was no way he'd let that go.

"What's with the design on it?" she asked, squinting at it. It really was etched deeply into the metal; she could feel the swirls under her fingertips.

Ratchet shrugged. "It's decorative—"

Seriously? Mikaela blinked at him. "Are you telling me that you have a tattooed dick?"

"Jealous?" Ratchet arched his optic ridge at her. "Essentially, yes, although it does serve another purpose."

"And that is?"

He smirked. "Buy yourself a dildo with the same patterns and get back to me."

Oh. Ohhhhh. Jesus, please us, Ratchet was a walking sex toy.

"Below the spike is my valve assembly. As I'm sure you've noticed, Autobots come in many sizes and so do spikes, but a valve is one size fits all. I'd invite you to inspect it but with the sensor input shut off, it might accidentally grip your hand too hard. You aren't metal and I'd rather not have to explain a valve related injury on your medical chart."

"Yeah, that's probably for the best." She was still peering closely at the spike, "It looks really…human." Even the tip was slightly flared, like a circumcised man. Mikaela looked up. "Did you guys adapt that when you got here, too?"

She almost winced just from saying it, it sounded rude, somehow, but Ratchet only shook his head. "I can see how it would seem that way, but we didn't. It's one of the reasons I've been so fascinated with human sexual interaction. It's remarkable similar to our own. Even our pheromone configuration is comparable."

"Wow."

"Indeed. Mikaela, we've encountered dozens of sentient species but this is the first time we've found one with similarities to us. The main difference is that you reproduce sexually while we only enjoy the sensations of it."

"Biologically speaking, that seems weird. If you can't make baby bots, why would you even need to get busy?"

Ratchet shrugged. "I didn't design our frames, Mikaela, I only inhabit one." He fell silent for a moment, optics distant. "I wasn't trying to be cruel by not showing you how we have intercourse, Mikaela. Not completely. Bumblebee is very young. He hasn't had his interfacing protocols turned on yet."

Mikaela looked at him with narrow eyes. There was getting hit with a clue stick and then there was getting run over by the bus. Ratchet obviously knew the real reason they'd wanted to check out the mech version of sex and had no qualms about driving that bus. "He's old enough to be a soldier."

"He is," Ratchet agreed. "He's of age, Mikaela, and I could turn them on. But I won't lie to you; I'm concerned about him becoming involved with the two of you like that. To do it properly, he'd need a hardlight hologram generator and frankly, I don't have the time, the parts, or the inclination to help you with that. I won't stop you, but you'll have to figure it out on your own. And now, I do think that's enough of a demonstration."

Mikaela realized she was still groping him and hastily yanked her hands away, absently scrubbing them against her jeans. He retracted his spike, robo-cock, Mikaela's brain insisted and she snickered inwardly.

"Now, does that meet the terms of our agreement?" Ratchet asked, climbing to his feet with a groan.

Did it? Mikaela considered; on one hand, Ratchet had given up some of the goods but on the other, her blackmail material was rather epic. It wouldn't be right if she didn't get her money's worth out of it.

"Before you decide, do you happen to see what is on the ceiling over there in the far corner?"

She squinted a little in the indicated direction. "Is that a security camera?"

Ratchet smirked, "Yes. Yes, it is."

Oh. Oh, shit. "And that's been there for a while, hasn't it."

"Yes, it has."

"So what you're saying is, there's already a full color video of you and Optimus getting it on?"

"Yes, several, actually, but I still do want a copy of those photos, the resolution was excellent." He crossed his arms over his chest and looked down at her. "What you should be more concerned about, I do believe, is the full color video I have of you, fondling my…ah, what was the term you used before? Robo-cock?"

Well, Ratchet had told her he preferred his extortion to be direct. Resigned to the cruelness of fate, Mikaela sighed, "All right, doc, what do you want?"

Ratchet made a noise that could only be described as a tsk. "Oh, that would be too easy. Don't worry, you'll be hearing from me about it."

"I'll be waiting," Mikaela muttered. "You do realize that between rounds of blackmail, we're well on our way to becoming mortal enemies." Maybe this was how Superman and Lex Luther got started. Only without the giant metal dicks. Maybe.

Ratchet laughed out loud at that one. "Bring it, human."

Mikaela had to fight down her own grin. Oh, she was going to bring it. If Ratchet thought Optimus used him hard, he was going to be walking bent over for a week after she was done with him. He'd have to watch that video of him and Optimus just to remind himself what a gentle fucking was like. But that would have to be later, for now Mikaela flounced over to the door, her grand exit ruined by the fact that it was still locked.

"Can I go now, doc?" Mikaela sighed, and Ratchet snorted and shook his head, although he did unlock the door.

"Twenty-four hours, or I'll have to scan again," Ratchet repeated, holding open the large door for her. "And I'd like to remind you that the score is currently two to zero in your favor, as far as demonstrations go."

That was something, anyway. "So…?" Mikaela asked, warily. Both of them looked down the hallway, but no one was in sight.

"So I expect you to do better than ten minutes!" Ratchet whispered furiously. "Squishing noises are optional. Convince Sam that you need some extended foreplay or he's going to find a very interesting file in his email tomorrow."

For a being who didn't have balls, Ratchet certainly knew how to squeeze them. "Deal," Mikaela mumbled and took off down the hallway before Ratchet could think of anything else.

At least she'd gotten a little information. There were robo-cocks and robo-vags, Bumblebee certainly had both…and according to Ratchet, he was a virgin. Not bad for an afternoons work.

And this wasn't over, oh, no. Not by a long shot.

-fin-

Comments

[xianghua.livejournal.com]

This series CRACKS ME THE HELL UP. It's just all kinds of awesome. :)

[keelywolfe.livejournal.com]

LOL! I had a hilarious time writing it, snickering every time I thought of a good one. *G*

Thank you!

[cupidandpsycho.livejournal.com]

Eep misplaced comment.

Anyways... Ratchet is such a devious bot. I love him!

[keelywolfe.livejournal.com]

I love my Ratchet bordering on the side of evil. *G*

[ksalterego.livejournal.com]

O. M. F. G.

bwaaahahahahahh! awesome!

[keelywolfe.livejournal.com]

Hee! Thank you!

[aughoti (from livejournal.com)]

Holy crap, this is even funnier than the first one!

Ratchet is devious, Mikaela's sneaky as hell, and they are both utterly ruthless and determined to win. No wonder they get along so well.

...wanders off to make popcorn, because this is epic!

[femme4jack.livejournal.com]

Oh this was just EPIC! You realize you just made me ship Ratchet/Mik just that much more. Those two are a DANGEROUS combination.

And Red Alert now has a video of Mik fondling him!

I'd tell you every line I love, but I'd have to quote the whole story. Can't WAIT for the next installment. This is so getting rec-ed.

[silver-bells13.livejournal.com]

"It's all right, I turned off the sensory input, and I won't feel a thing. Just touch right…Ohhh, baby, right there!"

ILU for continuing this fic! ♥

And that line had me cracking up and spilling coffee over the mousepad (It's totally my fault I ignored your warning in the first part >.<)

[vcnielson.livejournal.com]

I should probably be weirded out by this, but truthfully, I'm a lost cause.

Anyhow, I'm surprised by how much I'm actually getting into this fic.

[darkdanc3r.livejournal.com]

On a completely random aside, I LOVE your icon!

[vcnielson.livejournal.com]

I love this icon too! For the record, I highly recommend you visit this place (if you haven't already) for the best icons EVER!

http://iconomicon.livejournal.com

[ladystarscream.livejournal.com]

wow. This had me snickering madly asll the way through. Very well done.

I'd have reviewed the last chapter, but got totally into reading and couldn't stop. :-) This is a very good fic, and I'll be keeping an eye out for the next chapter. :-p

[darkdanc3r.livejournal.com]

*cackles quietly* Now I'm REALLY glad I didn't open this fic at my brother's place. He does NOT need to know that I read robo-porn! And the line about Prowl was just perfect. In all the worst ways.

[playswithworms.livejournal.com]

Bring it, human
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm just totally loving your Ratchet/Mikaela interaction, Ratchet being all "I've taught you well, young grasshopper" XD
And the decorative spike, nice touch!

[cazcatharsis.livejournal.com]

was recced this fic and i'm so fuckin' glad I read it. my gods that was hilarious. I actually had to take breaks to go off and laugh! Both of em are evil! Love the whole 'mortal enemies' thing... those two are either gonna be best friends forever cause of this, or constantly out to one-up eachother for eternity. It's so fun!

[aewnaur.livejournal.com]

yes 'Kala this is exactly how superman and lex became mortal enemies.. supes refused to show off his alien cock and vag.. LOL..