Conversations Laguna/Squall NC-17
Apr. 6th, 2002 10:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
keelywolfeTitle: Conversations
By Keelywolfe (keelywolfe@aol.com)
Author's webpage: http://www.ravenswing.com/~keelywolfe/
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Laguna/Squall
Summary: Sequel to ‘Petal’
Disclaimer: Not mine, never were.
Warnings: INCEST. You know, and some incest. And a little more incest. Yeah. That stuff.
***********************************************************************
It really was a beautiful day.
It had been a very long time since he'd been someplace like this, surrounded by the crisp sweetness of freshly mown grass, laced with the delicate aroma of flowers. Esthar was a fascinating place to live but most of its flowers had to be bought in a plastic-wrapped bouquet, not just found bursting through the soil in a determined reach for the sun.
It was shame that he couldn't really enjoy it. Not for the first time that week he had a desperate urge for a cigarette. Or two. Or a maybe a carton. He'd quit smoking years ago but the craving always returned when he was stressed, to itch in restless fingers that searched absently in pockets for cigarettes that weren't there.
Stress didn't even begin to describe this week. A temporary insanity plea might cover it better, if he ever managed to dig up the nerve to mention it to anyone. Like he was about to right now.
This wasn't a conversation he was looking forward to.
Taking a deep breath, Laguna let it out slowly, wishing again for a brief lungful of caustic tobacco before he finally stepped forward, nervously twisting the gold band around his finger.
"Sorry it took me so long to visit, but, better late than never, eh?" he laughed a little, cringing at the brittle sound of it. "You know, the people here haven't lightened up much over the years. They still don't like me. At first, I didn't even think they were going to tell me where you were."
He fell silent, uncertainly glancing back at the village. No one was even in sight, much less nearby. Shifting, he crouched down in front the headstone, not much more than a plaque placed into the earth, and silently traced the letters carved in it with his eyes.
Raine Loire. Nothing more.
For all its simplicity, it really was a lovely memorial, delicate hues of pink and blue winding through the gray of the stone. It suited the caring woman it represented. He wondered who in the village had done this, all of them, perhaps. They'd all loved her.
It was hard for Laguna to imagine anyone not loving her.
"I suppose you know why I'm really here," he started hesitantly, "I mean, not that I wouldn't have come anyway. I wanted to come before but things kind of happened and I just sort of…"
He trailed off, sighing irritably as he plucked absently at blades of grass with his fingertips. "I didn't really expect this to be so awkward. You were always someone I could talk to." Ducking his head he rubbed his temples tiredly. "Then again, this wasn't something I ever thought I'd be talking to you about."
"I guess I have a lot of thing to apologize to you for. I'm sorry I wasn't here when you needed me, and I'm sorry I didn't take care of Ellone like I promised and I…" He stopped again, words thick and painful in his throat.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "But how could I tell him no? He was right, you know. We all thought they were going to die."
Nothing but the wind answered him, lifting wisps of his hair to dance across his cheeks. He pushed it back impatiently, tucking long strands behind his ears. "All right, I wanted it too. I didn't mean to, I didn't want to. I promise you it'll never happen again." He gave a bitter chuckle. "I doubt after I tell him the truth he'll feel like visiting me much."
He sighed heavily, tilting his head back to study the white puffs of cloud scattered through the blue of the sky. "Anyway, I guess I just wanted you to know that. I mean, that I'm sorry. For everything. I…"
"Uncle Laguna!"
Laguna startled, losing his balance and falling back into the grass. He turned in the direction of the shout to see Ellone running towards him, Ward and Kiros standing back and watching indulgently as she threw herself at Laguna, wrapping her arms around his neck. He caught her automatically, even as all the air was pushed forcibly from his lungs by her enthusiasm.
“Take it easy on the old man, squirt,” he wheezed and she laughed sweetly, tightening her arms as she gave him a loud, smacking kiss on the cheek. Laguna froze, terror gibbering in the back of his head, and Gods, he'd already fucked his son, what might he do to his adopted daughter? How far could that sickness go, and he would kill himself before he ever touched her, he swore he would…
But there was no spark of heat. Ellone was warm and smelled sweet but there was no rush of temptation, no matter how twisted and wrong, and Laguna hugged her back gratefully, relieved that whatever had possessed him to allow Squall to do…that…hadn’t ruined this for him as well.
Ellone finally pulled away, her eyes shining into Laguna’s, until they flicked away to see what was behind him. She stilled, her hands going lax on Laguna’s shoulders and he wrapped his arms around her again, trying to offer what comfort he could.
“I haven’t been here in years,” she whispered and she ducked her head a moment before rubbing her cheeks briskly with the back of her hand. Laguna’s heart ached to see it; she’d had to be so brave over the years, had to grow up far too fast if even now she wouldn’t allow herself a few tears at the grave of her adopted mother.
So lost in the depths of his grief he almost missed her next words. “…Squall here.”
He blinked, brow furrowing. “What did you say?”
“I said we’ll have to bring Squall here,” she repeated solemnly. “I mean, he’s already met you, I think he should meet his mother as well. I was talking to him about it earlier today and…”
She squawked in surprise as Laguna abruptly dumped her off his lap onto the ground, jumping to his feet only to stand there awkwardly, running a hand over his face.
“I think…I need to get back to Esthar,” he said finally. He knelt back down and gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek, while she blinked at him in confusion. “Remember, no matter what, that I love you, Ellone,” he said seriously, cupping her cheek in his palm before he stood and walked quickly away, leaving her to stare after him and wonder what she’d done wrong.
**
Some weeks later…
It seemed like no matter how much work he got done, there always seemed to be something else that urgently needed his attention. Blowing his breath out irritably, Laguna looked through yet another stack of papers for the form he needed. In a final act of rebellion, the entire pile slid off his desk in one giant mass before turning into a miniature hurricane of colored paper.
Swearing under his breath, Laguna conceded the war and submitted himself to the indignity of crawling around on his hands and knees to gather them back up. From beneath the desk he heard the door open and someone walking in.
"Kiros, is that you? Do you know what I did with the…" Moving to stand, Laguna managed to bang his head on the one open desk drawer hard enough to see stars. The volume of his swearing increased considerably as he sat back down and rubbed what was probably going to be a nice sized bump on his head.
“Are you all right?”
“Yeah, I…” His voice trailed off as he glanced up at the young man standing in front of him.
Dressed in ordinary jeans and a t-shirt, oddly wearing black gloves, and being stripped of his coat and the reams of ammo he usually toted around made Squall looked so much younger, more like the child he’d never gotten to be, and Laguna felt a fresh twist of nausea curl tightly into his stomach.
Squall jammed his hands into his pockets and leaned against the desk before he spoke. "I would have been here sooner, but there were things I needed to see to before I could come.” He picked up one of the loose papers on the desk and looked at it disinterestedly as Laguna stared up at him from the floor. “You left," Squall added pointedly, tossing the paper back in the direction of the desk. Laguna watched numbly as it floated downward to land silently with its companions.
"I…” he started, and then words failed him. Laguna climbed to his feet, letting the papers he’d collected sift through his fingers and back to the floor. “Yeah, I did," he said, weakly, not knowing what else to say. What else was there to say to the son he’d never known, who’d fucked him raw hardly a day after meeting him face to face. Somehow he doubted he would find the proper approach in any etiquette book there was.
Squall was silent, ice blue eyes regarding Laguna evenly, and it was that unnerving silence that finally pushed him to speak again.
"Yes, I left,” Laguna repeated, clearly. “I didn't exactly know what to say! I mean…this is…" He ran a hand roughly through his hair, wincing as tiny strands crackled and broke beneath the onslaught. "I'm your father,” he said finally, uselessly.
Squall nodded slowly and still said nothing, and in a second Laguna was sure he was going to faint or scream or something, just so Squall would stop staring at him like that, like…like…just –something-, and he might just have if Squall hadn’t chosen that moment to finally break the silence.
"Did you know? That night," he clarified, like Laguna needed any explanation of exactly what night he was talking about. Suddenly he couldn’t stand to look at him anymore and he started digging through his desk, busied himself looking in the drawers for a pen so he could sign these fucking papers and just go somewhere else, anywhere else so long as nobody was there looking at him.
"Did you?"
And wasn't there a damned pen anywhere in this whole fucking desk?
In two strides Squall was next to him, grabbing him and pushing him against the wall, hard enough that the desk chair was shoved aside and knocked over.
"Did you?" Squall repeated, watching Laguna intently, searching his face with those eyes like hers (no, not like hers, not at all) and waiting for him to say something.
Laguna closed his eyes, the better not to watch Squall watching him. Listened to the low hum of the wheels on the chair spinning lazily until they finally stopped and all he could hear was Squall breathing. "Yes, I knew,” he finally whispered, hoarsely. “Is that what you wanted to hear? Ellone told me."
“Yes,” Squall said, just as softly before kissing him, his tongue pushing its way past Laguna’s startled lips to lick ticklishly against his palate. It was a credit to Laguna that, in his shock, he didn’t accidentally bite it off. The fact that he half-responded before pulling violently away didn’t speak as well for him.
"Are you insane?!" he sputtered, squirming in Squall’s grip in a rather unsuccessful attempt at escape.
"It didn't bother you before,” Squall pointed out, apparently unruffled by Laguna’s protest.
"That was different! You didn't know!"
"You did. And what does it really matter? We happen to share a little genetic code."
"You know, there is a reason that incest is frowned upon in our fine society,” Laguna snapped, hardly able to believe that this conversation could even exist outside a very odd dream.
"Afraid I'm going to get you pregnant?"
Laguna’s mouth dropped open as he stared at Squall. "Is that supposed to be a joke?" He would have bet a fleet of airships that Squall didn't even have sense of humor. At Squall’s raised eyebrow he shook his head, saying, “Of course not, but this goes a bit deeper than sharing genetic code! Do you really think they’ll keep you as Commander at the Garden when you’re sleeping with your father?”
"So?”
Laguna squeaked, a highly embarrassing sound as Squall nuzzled his ear, his tongue flicking against the sensitive lobe before he whispered, “They can kick me out of the Garden. I don't really care. And I happen to recall that becoming President wasn't something you actually tried to do."
There had to be a reasonable argument to that, and Laguna was going to think of it as soon as he made Squall let him go and who would have guessed he'd be such a letch? Kissing a path lower, Squall sucked firmly on the skin at the crook of Laguna’s neck and shoulder, drawing blood to the surface to mark the pale skin and Laguna shuddered, hands scrabbling desperately over Squall’s shoulders, distractedly noting the firm play of muscle beneath the thin shirt.
"Why the hell are you doing this?” Laguna hissed, hands tightening as Squall’s own fingers plucked the buttons on his shirt free neatly. “You hardly know me!”
"You were a moron when you were younger,” Squall observed, his breath a heated, moist touch on the older man’s chest as he dipped his head to nibble gently at the newly exposed skin. “Not much has changed, has it?"
"Hey!" Laguna sputtered indignantly, the words blending into a moan as Squall drew a dusky-tipped nipple into his mouth and sucked, flicking his tongue over the tightening nub.
"You're a moron," Squall repeated, words muffled against Laguna’s skin. "A moron that looks good, that tastes good…smells good. And who I'm going to bend over this desk and fuck. Right now."
"Oh, Gods," Laguna said weakly. This was wrong, no matter what Squall said. This couldn't, shouldn't, happen. And yet, why was he letting it? Letting Squall tug him away from the wall and push him over the desk, following his quiet promise to the letter as stepped between Laguna’s parted legs and leaned over him, rubbing his hardened shaft against the older man’s backside.
So much like the last time, like being trapped in the swamping depths of a dream in which he had no control, no words to offer protest, and Squall wasn’t even bothering to strip his clothing away completely, his pants were down around his ankles, his shirt pushed up with Squall’s warm hands stroking insistently, hot lips at the small of his back and Laguna whimpered incoherently.
Papers scattering and crumpling beneath him, the edge of the desk was biting uncomfortably into his hips, and Laguna promptly forgot any tiny discomfort as soft kidskin brushed against his thigh, moving stealthy to wrap around him.
"You're forgetting that several times, I –was- you,” Squall murmured, as if in answer to Laguna sudden, choked off moans. “As to why I want this…well, you want it too. Don't you."
Not a question and it was just as well, since Laguna had no way of answering it, only managing to think deliriously, 'you wanted it first', though he couldn’t speak it, could hardly make a sound as Squall shifted behind him, finding just the right angle as he pushed forward and slid inside in one smooth thrust.
Laguna caught his breath, tensing unwilling at the sudden burn of pain and another stack of papers was shoved off the desk as he flung one arm out to catch the edge of the desk, gripping it tightly.
A gloved hand cupped his chin firmly, forcing his head to tilt back until Squall could suck on the skin of his neck. “Shhhh,” he murmured, breath catching raggedly, “Just relax…you’ll like this, you know you will.”
Laguna couldn’t have denied that truth had he wanted to, shook his head anyway in something that wasn’t quite denial and was lost as Squall shifted back, withdrawing slightly before coming back in, a little harder, rocking his way deeply inside and each thrust was a different kind of exquisite, a slightly different angle, an abstract pattern of slow thrusts and unbearable pauses, until Laguna was writhing against the desk, pleading incoherently and wherever Squall had gotten his self-control, Laguna knew it sure as fuck wasn’t from him.
Dimly, Laguna heard soft, desperate noises, sounds that spoke of pleasure, and need, and just realizing that Squall was the one making them was enough to drive him over the edge, coming in a hard spasm as he slumped over the desk, Squall’s cries increasing steadily in volume as he pushed inside a final time, shuddering as he gave over to ecstasy and lowered himself shakily to lay on Laguna’s damp back.
The desk was getting to be more than uncomfortable as a place to be lying when Squall finally pulled away and stood, the sound of his zipper in the quiet room all the incentive Laguna need to tug his own pants back into place, his discomfort growing with every passing moment as he turned around.
Squall was standing close enough that Laguna drew back a little in surprise, not quite far enough to avoid the younger man’s mouth as it closed over his own, with nothing more than a touching of lips in a moment of gentle warmth before Squall turned walked out without saying a word, leaving the President of Esthar leaning bonelessly against his desk in rumpled clothes that were starting to stick rather uncomfortably to certain parts of his body.
Laguna touched a finger to his lips, wonderingly, before he shook himself mentally and looked in bemusement at the disaster that had once been his office. He should clean up quickly and start getting his paperwork in to some semblance of order again, before someone came in. He did have a little bit of an image to uphold and he'd been celibate so long Kiros would probably have heart failure if he saw him like this.
He glanced at the bathroom, looked at the mess on his desk, and sighed.
"Oh, fuck it."
Sidestepping the worst of the mess, Laguna made his way to the front of the desk and rummaged through various drawers before finally finding a pack of cigarettes. Another few minutes of searching turned up a few matches. He'd quit smoking six years ago and the cigarettes were probably stale to the point of being disgusting.
Laguna lit one anyway, taking a long drag off it, the tip glowing cherry red as he inhaled, holding the smoke in his lungs briefly before coughing it back out in a pale cloud.
"I'm going to end up in Hell over this," he announced to the empty room. "Hell or the loony bin, whichever is closer."
**
Beautiful days seemed to be in abundance in Winhill, Laguna noted absently. He wondered where they’d all been when he’d lived here. Apparently even the weather here liked it better with him gone.
He settled down on the grass next to the small grave, looking at his hands. "Yeah, I know I was just here last week. And I know I promised you never again." Laguna chuckled bitterly. "I guess we both saw how long I kept that promise. Isn't that just like me, can't keep a promise to save my life. I promised I'd come back to you too, and we saw how well that turned out.
"I'm sorry. I know what you'd think but I just…I love him. I mean, I know I'm supposed to love him but I think I'm in love with him and…well…
"I don't expect you to be all right with this. In fact, if there is an afterlife I'm sure I'll spend by first thousand years with you kicking my ass all over it but I can't just…
He broke off, "I never saw him as a baby, Raine, or a kid, or even as a teenager. I'm not his father; I'm just someone who donated a few chromosomes to his biology. I don't feel connected to him that way.
"Anyway. I'm sorry. And I'll understand if you can never forgive me. And…no matter what or how I feel about him or anybody else, I'll always love you."
Reaching out, Laguna set his wedding band on the stone, being very careful not to touch it, as if it might sear his skin. Nearly twenty years it had sat on his finger, and now the only sign that it had ever been there was a strip of white around his finger. A few days in the sun and it would be gone completely.
He wasn't sure what he'd expected. Lightning to strike down from the clouds or Raine's ghost to suddenly appear, like some kind of raging banshee to rip his heart out. Something.
He wondered if that would make him feel better about this.
A soft gust of wind that rustled his hair and Laguna closed his eyes, tilting his head upward to better feel the warmth of the sun, before he turned away from the silence of the stone and back to whatever his life might hold for him. He hesitated for just a moment at the rise of the hill, turning back, and he saw a tiny gleam of gold shining in the late afternoon sun. He wondered briefly what would happen to it, if a child might find it and see it as a curiosity, secreting it away or if the first rainfall would wash it away to be lost for a century in the dirt. It hardly mattered; he wouldn’t be coming back.
Laguna took a last deep breath of sweet flowers and sun-kissed air and then he walked away. He didn’t look back again.
-finis-
By Keelywolfe (keelywolfe@aol.com)
Author's webpage: http://www.ravenswing.com/~keelywolfe/
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Laguna/Squall
Summary: Sequel to ‘Petal’
Disclaimer: Not mine, never were.
Warnings: INCEST. You know, and some incest. And a little more incest. Yeah. That stuff.
***********************************************************************
It really was a beautiful day.
It had been a very long time since he'd been someplace like this, surrounded by the crisp sweetness of freshly mown grass, laced with the delicate aroma of flowers. Esthar was a fascinating place to live but most of its flowers had to be bought in a plastic-wrapped bouquet, not just found bursting through the soil in a determined reach for the sun.
It was shame that he couldn't really enjoy it. Not for the first time that week he had a desperate urge for a cigarette. Or two. Or a maybe a carton. He'd quit smoking years ago but the craving always returned when he was stressed, to itch in restless fingers that searched absently in pockets for cigarettes that weren't there.
Stress didn't even begin to describe this week. A temporary insanity plea might cover it better, if he ever managed to dig up the nerve to mention it to anyone. Like he was about to right now.
This wasn't a conversation he was looking forward to.
Taking a deep breath, Laguna let it out slowly, wishing again for a brief lungful of caustic tobacco before he finally stepped forward, nervously twisting the gold band around his finger.
"Sorry it took me so long to visit, but, better late than never, eh?" he laughed a little, cringing at the brittle sound of it. "You know, the people here haven't lightened up much over the years. They still don't like me. At first, I didn't even think they were going to tell me where you were."
He fell silent, uncertainly glancing back at the village. No one was even in sight, much less nearby. Shifting, he crouched down in front the headstone, not much more than a plaque placed into the earth, and silently traced the letters carved in it with his eyes.
Raine Loire. Nothing more.
For all its simplicity, it really was a lovely memorial, delicate hues of pink and blue winding through the gray of the stone. It suited the caring woman it represented. He wondered who in the village had done this, all of them, perhaps. They'd all loved her.
It was hard for Laguna to imagine anyone not loving her.
"I suppose you know why I'm really here," he started hesitantly, "I mean, not that I wouldn't have come anyway. I wanted to come before but things kind of happened and I just sort of…"
He trailed off, sighing irritably as he plucked absently at blades of grass with his fingertips. "I didn't really expect this to be so awkward. You were always someone I could talk to." Ducking his head he rubbed his temples tiredly. "Then again, this wasn't something I ever thought I'd be talking to you about."
"I guess I have a lot of thing to apologize to you for. I'm sorry I wasn't here when you needed me, and I'm sorry I didn't take care of Ellone like I promised and I…" He stopped again, words thick and painful in his throat.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "But how could I tell him no? He was right, you know. We all thought they were going to die."
Nothing but the wind answered him, lifting wisps of his hair to dance across his cheeks. He pushed it back impatiently, tucking long strands behind his ears. "All right, I wanted it too. I didn't mean to, I didn't want to. I promise you it'll never happen again." He gave a bitter chuckle. "I doubt after I tell him the truth he'll feel like visiting me much."
He sighed heavily, tilting his head back to study the white puffs of cloud scattered through the blue of the sky. "Anyway, I guess I just wanted you to know that. I mean, that I'm sorry. For everything. I…"
"Uncle Laguna!"
Laguna startled, losing his balance and falling back into the grass. He turned in the direction of the shout to see Ellone running towards him, Ward and Kiros standing back and watching indulgently as she threw herself at Laguna, wrapping her arms around his neck. He caught her automatically, even as all the air was pushed forcibly from his lungs by her enthusiasm.
“Take it easy on the old man, squirt,” he wheezed and she laughed sweetly, tightening her arms as she gave him a loud, smacking kiss on the cheek. Laguna froze, terror gibbering in the back of his head, and Gods, he'd already fucked his son, what might he do to his adopted daughter? How far could that sickness go, and he would kill himself before he ever touched her, he swore he would…
But there was no spark of heat. Ellone was warm and smelled sweet but there was no rush of temptation, no matter how twisted and wrong, and Laguna hugged her back gratefully, relieved that whatever had possessed him to allow Squall to do…that…hadn’t ruined this for him as well.
Ellone finally pulled away, her eyes shining into Laguna’s, until they flicked away to see what was behind him. She stilled, her hands going lax on Laguna’s shoulders and he wrapped his arms around her again, trying to offer what comfort he could.
“I haven’t been here in years,” she whispered and she ducked her head a moment before rubbing her cheeks briskly with the back of her hand. Laguna’s heart ached to see it; she’d had to be so brave over the years, had to grow up far too fast if even now she wouldn’t allow herself a few tears at the grave of her adopted mother.
So lost in the depths of his grief he almost missed her next words. “…Squall here.”
He blinked, brow furrowing. “What did you say?”
“I said we’ll have to bring Squall here,” she repeated solemnly. “I mean, he’s already met you, I think he should meet his mother as well. I was talking to him about it earlier today and…”
She squawked in surprise as Laguna abruptly dumped her off his lap onto the ground, jumping to his feet only to stand there awkwardly, running a hand over his face.
“I think…I need to get back to Esthar,” he said finally. He knelt back down and gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek, while she blinked at him in confusion. “Remember, no matter what, that I love you, Ellone,” he said seriously, cupping her cheek in his palm before he stood and walked quickly away, leaving her to stare after him and wonder what she’d done wrong.
**
Some weeks later…
It seemed like no matter how much work he got done, there always seemed to be something else that urgently needed his attention. Blowing his breath out irritably, Laguna looked through yet another stack of papers for the form he needed. In a final act of rebellion, the entire pile slid off his desk in one giant mass before turning into a miniature hurricane of colored paper.
Swearing under his breath, Laguna conceded the war and submitted himself to the indignity of crawling around on his hands and knees to gather them back up. From beneath the desk he heard the door open and someone walking in.
"Kiros, is that you? Do you know what I did with the…" Moving to stand, Laguna managed to bang his head on the one open desk drawer hard enough to see stars. The volume of his swearing increased considerably as he sat back down and rubbed what was probably going to be a nice sized bump on his head.
“Are you all right?”
“Yeah, I…” His voice trailed off as he glanced up at the young man standing in front of him.
Dressed in ordinary jeans and a t-shirt, oddly wearing black gloves, and being stripped of his coat and the reams of ammo he usually toted around made Squall looked so much younger, more like the child he’d never gotten to be, and Laguna felt a fresh twist of nausea curl tightly into his stomach.
Squall jammed his hands into his pockets and leaned against the desk before he spoke. "I would have been here sooner, but there were things I needed to see to before I could come.” He picked up one of the loose papers on the desk and looked at it disinterestedly as Laguna stared up at him from the floor. “You left," Squall added pointedly, tossing the paper back in the direction of the desk. Laguna watched numbly as it floated downward to land silently with its companions.
"I…” he started, and then words failed him. Laguna climbed to his feet, letting the papers he’d collected sift through his fingers and back to the floor. “Yeah, I did," he said, weakly, not knowing what else to say. What else was there to say to the son he’d never known, who’d fucked him raw hardly a day after meeting him face to face. Somehow he doubted he would find the proper approach in any etiquette book there was.
Squall was silent, ice blue eyes regarding Laguna evenly, and it was that unnerving silence that finally pushed him to speak again.
"Yes, I left,” Laguna repeated, clearly. “I didn't exactly know what to say! I mean…this is…" He ran a hand roughly through his hair, wincing as tiny strands crackled and broke beneath the onslaught. "I'm your father,” he said finally, uselessly.
Squall nodded slowly and still said nothing, and in a second Laguna was sure he was going to faint or scream or something, just so Squall would stop staring at him like that, like…like…just –something-, and he might just have if Squall hadn’t chosen that moment to finally break the silence.
"Did you know? That night," he clarified, like Laguna needed any explanation of exactly what night he was talking about. Suddenly he couldn’t stand to look at him anymore and he started digging through his desk, busied himself looking in the drawers for a pen so he could sign these fucking papers and just go somewhere else, anywhere else so long as nobody was there looking at him.
"Did you?"
And wasn't there a damned pen anywhere in this whole fucking desk?
In two strides Squall was next to him, grabbing him and pushing him against the wall, hard enough that the desk chair was shoved aside and knocked over.
"Did you?" Squall repeated, watching Laguna intently, searching his face with those eyes like hers (no, not like hers, not at all) and waiting for him to say something.
Laguna closed his eyes, the better not to watch Squall watching him. Listened to the low hum of the wheels on the chair spinning lazily until they finally stopped and all he could hear was Squall breathing. "Yes, I knew,” he finally whispered, hoarsely. “Is that what you wanted to hear? Ellone told me."
“Yes,” Squall said, just as softly before kissing him, his tongue pushing its way past Laguna’s startled lips to lick ticklishly against his palate. It was a credit to Laguna that, in his shock, he didn’t accidentally bite it off. The fact that he half-responded before pulling violently away didn’t speak as well for him.
"Are you insane?!" he sputtered, squirming in Squall’s grip in a rather unsuccessful attempt at escape.
"It didn't bother you before,” Squall pointed out, apparently unruffled by Laguna’s protest.
"That was different! You didn't know!"
"You did. And what does it really matter? We happen to share a little genetic code."
"You know, there is a reason that incest is frowned upon in our fine society,” Laguna snapped, hardly able to believe that this conversation could even exist outside a very odd dream.
"Afraid I'm going to get you pregnant?"
Laguna’s mouth dropped open as he stared at Squall. "Is that supposed to be a joke?" He would have bet a fleet of airships that Squall didn't even have sense of humor. At Squall’s raised eyebrow he shook his head, saying, “Of course not, but this goes a bit deeper than sharing genetic code! Do you really think they’ll keep you as Commander at the Garden when you’re sleeping with your father?”
"So?”
Laguna squeaked, a highly embarrassing sound as Squall nuzzled his ear, his tongue flicking against the sensitive lobe before he whispered, “They can kick me out of the Garden. I don't really care. And I happen to recall that becoming President wasn't something you actually tried to do."
There had to be a reasonable argument to that, and Laguna was going to think of it as soon as he made Squall let him go and who would have guessed he'd be such a letch? Kissing a path lower, Squall sucked firmly on the skin at the crook of Laguna’s neck and shoulder, drawing blood to the surface to mark the pale skin and Laguna shuddered, hands scrabbling desperately over Squall’s shoulders, distractedly noting the firm play of muscle beneath the thin shirt.
"Why the hell are you doing this?” Laguna hissed, hands tightening as Squall’s own fingers plucked the buttons on his shirt free neatly. “You hardly know me!”
"You were a moron when you were younger,” Squall observed, his breath a heated, moist touch on the older man’s chest as he dipped his head to nibble gently at the newly exposed skin. “Not much has changed, has it?"
"Hey!" Laguna sputtered indignantly, the words blending into a moan as Squall drew a dusky-tipped nipple into his mouth and sucked, flicking his tongue over the tightening nub.
"You're a moron," Squall repeated, words muffled against Laguna’s skin. "A moron that looks good, that tastes good…smells good. And who I'm going to bend over this desk and fuck. Right now."
"Oh, Gods," Laguna said weakly. This was wrong, no matter what Squall said. This couldn't, shouldn't, happen. And yet, why was he letting it? Letting Squall tug him away from the wall and push him over the desk, following his quiet promise to the letter as stepped between Laguna’s parted legs and leaned over him, rubbing his hardened shaft against the older man’s backside.
So much like the last time, like being trapped in the swamping depths of a dream in which he had no control, no words to offer protest, and Squall wasn’t even bothering to strip his clothing away completely, his pants were down around his ankles, his shirt pushed up with Squall’s warm hands stroking insistently, hot lips at the small of his back and Laguna whimpered incoherently.
Papers scattering and crumpling beneath him, the edge of the desk was biting uncomfortably into his hips, and Laguna promptly forgot any tiny discomfort as soft kidskin brushed against his thigh, moving stealthy to wrap around him.
"You're forgetting that several times, I –was- you,” Squall murmured, as if in answer to Laguna sudden, choked off moans. “As to why I want this…well, you want it too. Don't you."
Not a question and it was just as well, since Laguna had no way of answering it, only managing to think deliriously, 'you wanted it first', though he couldn’t speak it, could hardly make a sound as Squall shifted behind him, finding just the right angle as he pushed forward and slid inside in one smooth thrust.
Laguna caught his breath, tensing unwilling at the sudden burn of pain and another stack of papers was shoved off the desk as he flung one arm out to catch the edge of the desk, gripping it tightly.
A gloved hand cupped his chin firmly, forcing his head to tilt back until Squall could suck on the skin of his neck. “Shhhh,” he murmured, breath catching raggedly, “Just relax…you’ll like this, you know you will.”
Laguna couldn’t have denied that truth had he wanted to, shook his head anyway in something that wasn’t quite denial and was lost as Squall shifted back, withdrawing slightly before coming back in, a little harder, rocking his way deeply inside and each thrust was a different kind of exquisite, a slightly different angle, an abstract pattern of slow thrusts and unbearable pauses, until Laguna was writhing against the desk, pleading incoherently and wherever Squall had gotten his self-control, Laguna knew it sure as fuck wasn’t from him.
Dimly, Laguna heard soft, desperate noises, sounds that spoke of pleasure, and need, and just realizing that Squall was the one making them was enough to drive him over the edge, coming in a hard spasm as he slumped over the desk, Squall’s cries increasing steadily in volume as he pushed inside a final time, shuddering as he gave over to ecstasy and lowered himself shakily to lay on Laguna’s damp back.
The desk was getting to be more than uncomfortable as a place to be lying when Squall finally pulled away and stood, the sound of his zipper in the quiet room all the incentive Laguna need to tug his own pants back into place, his discomfort growing with every passing moment as he turned around.
Squall was standing close enough that Laguna drew back a little in surprise, not quite far enough to avoid the younger man’s mouth as it closed over his own, with nothing more than a touching of lips in a moment of gentle warmth before Squall turned walked out without saying a word, leaving the President of Esthar leaning bonelessly against his desk in rumpled clothes that were starting to stick rather uncomfortably to certain parts of his body.
Laguna touched a finger to his lips, wonderingly, before he shook himself mentally and looked in bemusement at the disaster that had once been his office. He should clean up quickly and start getting his paperwork in to some semblance of order again, before someone came in. He did have a little bit of an image to uphold and he'd been celibate so long Kiros would probably have heart failure if he saw him like this.
He glanced at the bathroom, looked at the mess on his desk, and sighed.
"Oh, fuck it."
Sidestepping the worst of the mess, Laguna made his way to the front of the desk and rummaged through various drawers before finally finding a pack of cigarettes. Another few minutes of searching turned up a few matches. He'd quit smoking six years ago and the cigarettes were probably stale to the point of being disgusting.
Laguna lit one anyway, taking a long drag off it, the tip glowing cherry red as he inhaled, holding the smoke in his lungs briefly before coughing it back out in a pale cloud.
"I'm going to end up in Hell over this," he announced to the empty room. "Hell or the loony bin, whichever is closer."
**
Beautiful days seemed to be in abundance in Winhill, Laguna noted absently. He wondered where they’d all been when he’d lived here. Apparently even the weather here liked it better with him gone.
He settled down on the grass next to the small grave, looking at his hands. "Yeah, I know I was just here last week. And I know I promised you never again." Laguna chuckled bitterly. "I guess we both saw how long I kept that promise. Isn't that just like me, can't keep a promise to save my life. I promised I'd come back to you too, and we saw how well that turned out.
"I'm sorry. I know what you'd think but I just…I love him. I mean, I know I'm supposed to love him but I think I'm in love with him and…well…
"I don't expect you to be all right with this. In fact, if there is an afterlife I'm sure I'll spend by first thousand years with you kicking my ass all over it but I can't just…
He broke off, "I never saw him as a baby, Raine, or a kid, or even as a teenager. I'm not his father; I'm just someone who donated a few chromosomes to his biology. I don't feel connected to him that way.
"Anyway. I'm sorry. And I'll understand if you can never forgive me. And…no matter what or how I feel about him or anybody else, I'll always love you."
Reaching out, Laguna set his wedding band on the stone, being very careful not to touch it, as if it might sear his skin. Nearly twenty years it had sat on his finger, and now the only sign that it had ever been there was a strip of white around his finger. A few days in the sun and it would be gone completely.
He wasn't sure what he'd expected. Lightning to strike down from the clouds or Raine's ghost to suddenly appear, like some kind of raging banshee to rip his heart out. Something.
He wondered if that would make him feel better about this.
A soft gust of wind that rustled his hair and Laguna closed his eyes, tilting his head upward to better feel the warmth of the sun, before he turned away from the silence of the stone and back to whatever his life might hold for him. He hesitated for just a moment at the rise of the hill, turning back, and he saw a tiny gleam of gold shining in the late afternoon sun. He wondered briefly what would happen to it, if a child might find it and see it as a curiosity, secreting it away or if the first rainfall would wash it away to be lost for a century in the dirt. It hardly mattered; he wouldn’t be coming back.
Laguna took a last deep breath of sweet flowers and sun-kissed air and then he walked away. He didn’t look back again.
-finis-
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-04-06 07:58 am (UTC)You can write Squall/Laguna and make me believe it. There are like three authors in the world who can do that. ^_^
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Date: 2002-04-07 08:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-04-06 08:18 am (UTC)ahem. And now that's over...
Wow. *ache* That's so.... raw and real and beautiful and painful all at once, just the way it should be, and just... mrrrrrow. Gorgeous. Reading it, you're right there twitching for the cigarettes with Laguna, and breathless with the same terror when Ellone hugged him and I won't even touch the office scene, that totally speaks for itself, just the little touches, the sound Squall makes being the final trigger, and, and... ahhhhhhhh... and the ending, so sad yet not, just aching with it, a crucible he can't get out of but can't go any other way either... brrrrrr. BEAUTIFUL. wow.
ahem... LxS page? Please? Pretty please? May I?
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Date: 2002-04-07 08:23 pm (UTC)Well, of course! Wouldn't even be writing these guys if it weren't for you. ^_~
*sigh* happyhappy
Date: 2002-04-06 12:49 pm (UTC)Re: *sigh* happyhappy
Date: 2002-04-07 08:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-04-06 04:04 pm (UTC)And when you write for fandoms I do know and pairings that I love, well... they have to get a bucket to carrying me away.
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Date: 2002-04-07 08:27 pm (UTC)Don't think I have a coherent answer for that but thank you, so...Thank you!!
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Date: 2002-04-06 09:39 pm (UTC)Lovely, yummy fic, made my day. Thankyou! ^_^
Celt
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Date: 2002-04-07 08:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-19 10:46 am (UTC)This is so DAMN... oh, gods. You are so damn good at this!
*blinks*
Now I'll have to find, buy AND play this game. *gah*